turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
