my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
