just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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