Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
