sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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