i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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