apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
