**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish I only lived at night.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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