Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
