remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
