girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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