god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
