i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
