i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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