he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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