you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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