I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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