I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
