Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
