I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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