"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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