my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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