Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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