That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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