Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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