it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
