I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
