Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
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not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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