im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize