I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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