Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
