Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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