Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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