We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
