I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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