you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
