I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
