You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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