No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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