I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
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