He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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