I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
