At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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