Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
These tits shall not be calmed
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