Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am spending my child support on dildos
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
