I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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