found the other keg... it's in the tree
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My bed smells like the plague
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
