I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
