dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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