I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
