I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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