After last night, I could never be a politician.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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