I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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