areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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