Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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