According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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