My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
